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\begin{document}

\section{Anguished English}\label{anguished-english}

Here are some signs resulting from bad knowledge of English (Taken from
the book \emph{Anguished English} by Rechard Lederer, used without
permission):

\subsection{Around the World}\label{around-the-world}

\begin{itemize}
\item
  In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
  are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
\item
  In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
\item
  In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
  During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
\item
  In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
  lit up.
\item
  In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
  wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should
  press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
  by national order.
\item
  In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
\item
  In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
  between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
\item
  In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
  the job of the chambermaid.
\item
  In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
  chambermaid.
\item
  In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
  monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
  and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
  Thursday.
\item
  In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
  corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
\item
  On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
  for.
\item
  On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
  beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
  let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
\item
  In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
  courteous, efficient self-service.
\item
  Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
\item
  In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
\item
  Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
\item
  In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
  we will execute customers in strict rotation.
\item
  Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
  of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
  executed over the past two years.
\item
  In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
  shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
\item
  In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
  porter.
\item
  A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
  our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
  instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
  married with each other for that purpose.
\item
  In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
  of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
  used for this purpose.
\item
  In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
  latest Methodists.
\item
  A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
  been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
\item
  In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
  afternoon having a good time.
\item
  In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
  tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
\item
  Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
  your own ass?
\item
  On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
  right.
\item
  In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
  their own skin.
\item
  On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
  throughout its useful life.
\item
  Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
\item
  In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
\item
  In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
  if dressed as a man.
\item
  In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
\item
  In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
  in all directions.
\item
  On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
  USSR, you are welcome to it.
\item
  In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
  children in the bar.
\item
  At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
  suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
\item
  In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
  diseases.
\item
  In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
  served here.
\item
  In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
  they are best in the long run.
\item
  From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
  conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
  your room, please control yourself.
\item
  From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
  heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but
  if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
\item
  In a French chalet: In case of fire, please ejaculate the premises.
\item
  Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

  \begin{itemize}
  \tightlist
  \item
    English well talking.
  \item
    Here speeching American.
  \end{itemize}
\item
  On a set of assembly instructions: ``You must be screwing with
  screwing driver. Fingers screwing not good enough.''
\end{itemize}

\subsection{Around the USA}\label{around-the-usa}

Some examples of equally awkward English from right here in ths
US\ldots{}

\begin{itemize}
\item
  In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
\item
  In a New York Restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought
  to see the manager.
\item
  In LA dance hall: good clean dancing every night but sunday.
\item
  In Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
\item
  In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owing your
  home.
\item
  In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses,no waiting.
\item
  In a Maine shop: our motto is to give our customers the lowest
  possible prices and workmanship.
\item
  On military bases: restricted to unauthorized personal.
\item
  On a display of `You are my one and only' Valentine cards: now
  available in multi pack.
\item
  In downtown Boston: Callahan tunnel /No end.
\item
  In a window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
  you can come right here ??
\item
  In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
\item
  In a New Jersey Restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM Midnight.
\item
  In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking
  flowers from any but their own graves\ldots{}.
\item
  On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without
  permission.
\item
  In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the
  public stops taking it away.
\item
  On a Tennessee Highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water,
  this road is impassable.
\item
  On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of
  thousands..
\end{itemize}

\end{document}
